I am going to be completely honest with you. Writing these blog posts is not my favorite thing in the world. I love to write, but I don’t love that anyone and everyone can see exactly what is going on in my life. Because of that, it is hard for me to write about my struggles for everyone to see and I tend to avoid them.
But recently it seems that all I can see are the things in life that I am struggling with.
It isn’t a great feeling to know that you are in a tunnel of things that scare you or are out of your control and you can’t find a way out.
But that is the point where I am right now. It seems that there is a never ending stream of things in my life that are constantly pulling my attention and focus away from the good things that are happening and pointing me straight toward the bad. The real problem with this is that most of the bad things that have happened in my life are things in my past, things that I haven’t dealt with at all or that I dealt with in the wrong way and now I am struggling because of it.
It is a problem that I think almost everyone faces … demons of the past that never really go away. But the last few weeks it seems that they are constant and almost unbearable.
I’ve always been someone who values strength. I know that I have a lot of personality and character flaws, but I would like to think that weakness is not one of them. I have never been one to talk about the conflicts and struggles in my life. I love listening to other people but I never felt the need to tell my life story to anyone. I think that was a mistake and it is one that I have been regretting a lot lately because the issues I struggled with a little bit in the past are things that I struggle with a lot now. I saw talking to people about things that I was having a hard time with as a weakness, like I couldn’t handle my own life.
But what I saw as a weakness was actually a chance for me to build relationships with people on a deeper level than what I was currently experiencing. It was a chance for me to get closer to God.
One thing I have realized over the past month or so is how far away I was from God. I believed in Him but I didn’t know Him. I wanted Him to help me or fix the bad things in my life but I didn’t trust Him to do that. I thought I had done my part by accepting Him into my heart when I was 4 years old and then living my life as a good person but a person who does not have any relationship with Him.
I find myself thinking about God pretty much all day long. I talk to Him more now than I ever have before but I still have so many questions. I still don’t understand so much and it is hard for me to fully let go without that understanding. So I haven’t. I have had plenty of discussions recently about how I want my life to change. I have talked to several close friends and have bugged them with questions about prayer and how they came to have such a close relationship with God. But at the end of the day I haven’t let go … I haven’t trusted and to be honest I am not sure how.
That is the thing I ask the most. How do you get to the point where you can just let go? Where it is more than words? Where you can give Him everything? I feel like I am at a breaking point and I recognize that something needs to change, but I am not sure how to change it.
I don’t know the answer. I know it is up to me. I know that He is waiting for me to make that decision.
Editor’s Note: Caitlin is a contributor to this blog, but isn’t the only writer whose words you may see here. To read more posts by Caitlin or to see the other writers, visit the authors’ categories in the menu at the top right corner of the screen.